Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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