I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
