My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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