I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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