You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
