I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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