I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
