Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
