Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
