Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
