I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
