I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
