He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
