there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
