I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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