I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
