We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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