I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish you could order shots online.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
