tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
