her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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