I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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