I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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