So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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