I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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