I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
