I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
