He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
