I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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