i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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