Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
