Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
