Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
