New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
