I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
