Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
