Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
