He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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