Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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