Banned from zoo.
Again?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
