Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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