I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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