I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
