If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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