What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
