In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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