she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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