Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
