I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I think your dad took our porno
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend