Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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