90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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