You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
