Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
