Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
