"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
