im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
