The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
