I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
