i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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